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THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person About any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have No fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you, and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

 

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID Headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only do you have bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of Spots, but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was lent to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively, your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your Misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide!

 

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   Always keep in mind to:
  1. Spend less than you earn! People who spend every penny they make usually end up going broke.......
  2. Take enough risk on the money you save! Playing safe by putting your money under the mattress or in a savings account will not make you wealthy..

Remember that..... Fully one-fifth of humanity, some 1.3 billion people, struggles to survive on less than $1 per day. About 40% of humanity survives on less than $2 per day. More than a billion people around the world will go to bed hungry tonight. Life expectancy in some 32 countries is less than 40 years. If you have a few extra dollars in your pocket (you don't have to be a millionaire to make a difference), please share some of your financial good fortune with others who are in great need.


Think About It...  Being in the 'now' brings a freedom, unlike living in the past or in the future, which is a kind of imprisonment. This isn't a kind of a denial where you pretend life doesn't have problems. Life is full of problems, but most of those stresses and failures are reliving old hurts or worrying about future concerns. -- Carl Honore

When you 're diagnosed with cancer, you start to bargain with God: "Let me get through this, and I'll take better care of myself. I'll get my priorities in order. I'll learn to live every day to the fullest." Isn't it sad that you have to get sick before giving yourself permission to live life to the fullest? -- Robert Schimmel Look at Life in different & Positive ways