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THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
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Stage 1 - CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an
expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything
and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this
stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is
very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE This is when you realise that you are the most
ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can
go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to
talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this
person About any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the
room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless
wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still
CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how
much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone
that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE
person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits
or strength. You have No fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than
them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point
you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table
to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can
see or hear you, and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID Headache, the churning stomach and
the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of
your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You
are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror
first thing, you are horrified to discover that you have now become even
UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only do you have bloodshot
eyes and a glorious collection of Spots, but you are shaking so much that
your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to
shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was lent to last
you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea
what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively, your pocket could have been picked or you might have
given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationalising that you
couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being
robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food
or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently
FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition
ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately,
everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great
distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your Misery by making
fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit
them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide!
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