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 20 ways to torture Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a
salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few
pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find
his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that
you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your
plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace
all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he
tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living
room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait
until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking
snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say, "We hate Christmas" and "Go
away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone,
telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up
some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa
when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers
arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the
sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that
he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with
cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth
Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of
skim milk in a dirty glass, with a note that says, "For Santa."
11. Take everything out of your
house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like
a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the
crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your
Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover
the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies
and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A
deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining
that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to
your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of
the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that
you're sorry, "But from a distance, he looked like a bear."
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a
dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof prints" all over
your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he
comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate
your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny.
Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for
the both of us."
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