Quotations
 by
Celebrities
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations
where the audience members all punch and kick one another. -- George Carlin
I led the league in "Go get 'em next time." -- Bob Uecker
Why is this thus? what is the reason for this thusness? -- Artemus Ward
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. --
Woody Allen
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of
time. -- George Carlin
The pitcher has got only a ball. I've got a bat. So the percentage in weapons is
in my favor and I let the fellow with the ball do the fretting. -- Hank Aaron
Booze, broads, and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need? --
Harry Caray
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.
Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry -- |
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. -- Rodney
Dangerfield
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast -- Woody Allen
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to
those places. -- Henry Youngman
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open." -- Roseanne
Barr
Last night I played a bland tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-- George Carlin
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