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Letters of Recommendation
For Bad Employees
Have to write a letter of recommendation for
that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the
job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further
consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
Tips for Managers
- Never give me work in the morning. Always wait
until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.
- If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt
me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better,
hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
- Always leave without telling anyone where you're
going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you
are.
- Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what
my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
- If you give me more than one job to do, don't
tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
- Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office
and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond
work.
- If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If
that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
- If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like
my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
- If you have special instructions for a job, don't
write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use
confusing me with useful information.
- Never introduce me to the people you're with. I
have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify
them.
- Tell me all your little problems. No one else has
any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the
story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received
for being such a good manager.
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