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You know you're a bad cook when... |
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking
timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the
pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and
Kaopectate in bulk. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns
and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the
dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- The EPA insists that all your garbage cans
be marked with biohazard symbols.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and
apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- Your pie-filling bubbles over and eats the
enamel off the bottom of the oven.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads
and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still
won't let go of the pan.
- Pest control companies keep pestering you
for your recipes.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and
the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
REST IN PIECE
Veteran Pillsbury
spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was
71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was buried in one of the
largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out
including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt
Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima,
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he
was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who
buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for
millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked
fun at him.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun
in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A Sweet Ass Story
It was another Payday and
I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart,
how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure
Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see
that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger
went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh
Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old
Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.”
I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.
Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I
rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my
Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a
Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
NOUVELLE CUISINE: From
the French, meaning “I can’t believe I paid $97 and I’m still hungry!”
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