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More Jokes on Relationship, Marriage and Opposite Sex
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Husband:
What're you reading?
Wife: A step-by-step home improvement course.
Husband: Really? What's step one?
Wife: Take all power tools away from your husband.
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A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man says, "If I give you the
money, will you buy booze?"
The bum says no. The man asks, "Will you
gamble?" The bum says no. "Then will you come home with me?"
The man asks.
"I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."
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An acquaintance of mine
whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring
that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never
been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take
a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept
lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants. A few days later, as he and
the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She
took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it
back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table.
"These Texas
women are tough!"
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One day shortly after the
birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So
the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the
mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could
think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so
worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor
listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop
crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down
to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was
indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for
up to 10 lbs.!"
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One Saturday evening the
door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young
man with a bad case of acne. The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is
Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?"
Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.
A short time later there
was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by
another pimpled faced boy who smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm
here to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Bubba
shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.
No sooner had Bubba sat
down that the bell rang once again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by
a boy with clear skin who said, "Hi, My name is Chuck...." With that,
Bubba shot him dead.
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One day God
came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news."
''Well, give me the good news first.''
''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow
you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful
conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis.
It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate
this planet.''
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to
me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''
''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to
operate one of these organs at a time.''
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A man decided to get rid of the family
cat. He drove the feline 25 blocks from home and left him. But when he
pulled into his driveway, there was the cat. The next day he left the
kitty 60 blocks away, but again, the cat beat him home. So he took the cat
on a long drive, arbitrarily turning left, then right, making U-turns,
anything to throw off the cat's keen sense of direction before abandoning
him in a park across town.
Hours later the man called his wife: "Honey, is the cat there?"
"Yes," she replied. "Why?"
"Put him on the phone. I'm lost and need directions home."
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A man really loved a
woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his
years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated
about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just
never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one
day, he became determined to ask her the question.
So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
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One day at the
office, a man noticed that his very conservative co-worker was wearing an
earring.
"I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff," he said to his friend.
"It's not a big deal," the guy said. "It's just an earring."
"How long have you been wearing it?"
"Since my wife found it in my car last week."
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The wife had a habit of biting her
fingernails.
One day she told her husband about her latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great idea, honey," he smiled. "You can eat them right out of the box."
- Children in the back of the car cause
accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children.
- A man is
waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad
that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops
out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,
shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another
drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and
wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another
drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles
the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks
God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then
to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and
says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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