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Jokes on Relationship, Marriage and Opposite Sex
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Every
time this husband goes to a local discount store to get oil change, he buy
his wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During
one trip, some women in line behind him were oohing and aahing about a husband
getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before he could answer, the checkout girl, more than familiar with his routine,
said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles--whichever comes first."
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John's doctor tells him he has only one
day to live. When John goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she
asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left. "All I
want is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is
exactly what they did.
But after five hours of blissful romance, she announce that she's tired
and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," John whispers in her ear.
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
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A man and his wife vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years. "This is the lake where I learned to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog
paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim."
"That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim."
"Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"
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A few years prior to the Gulf War, Barbara
Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait. In the report, Barbara
noted that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked
approximately ten feet behind their husbands. Barbara returned to Kuwait
recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their
wives.
Curious about this change in tradition, Barbara approached one of the
Kuwaiti women and asked for an explanation. "This is wonderful," Barbara
said "What has enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines!" replied the Kuwaiti woman.
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An Irishman, a Mexican
and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th
floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage." If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for
lunch I'm going to jump off of this building. The Mexican opened his lunch
box and exclaimed, "Burritos again. If I get burritos one more time I'm
going to jump off this building." The Redneck opened his lunch and said,
"Bologna again. If I get Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next Day - The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage
and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and
jumps too. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna
and jumps to his death.
At the Funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have
given it to him again." The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could
have given him Tacos or Enchiladas, I didn't realize he hated Burritos so
much." Everyone turned and stared at the Rednecks wife...Hey, don't look
at me," she said, "That dumb-ass makes his OWN lunch!"
- Mary's parents met her boyfriend for the
first time. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air
about him. After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a
very nice person."
"Mom," Mary said, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of
community service?"
- A woman goes to see a fortune-teller. "Two
men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The fortune teller answers, "John will marry you. Carl will be the lucky
one."
- "Honey,"
said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all
the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
- Man 1:
What do you want in a woman?
Man 2: Great looks, intelligence and terrific cooking... The challenge is
making sure they don't find out about each other.
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