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A Crappy Date
(A True Story) |
Cross my heart this happened to
someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca
College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also
from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had
the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and
musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner
plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his
buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such
bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either
throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able
to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.
He doesn't want to cancel the
date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in
Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to
use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling,
but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.
After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas
stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the
table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came
with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of
running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms
of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga
position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his
tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He
quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is
walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station,
they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?"
he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the
Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's
fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the
khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current
outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date
(still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him
buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just
the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store.
They board the train just before
it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without
sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back
of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips
off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them
out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls
out...just the sweater.
Computer Age Love Letter
A man loved a girl who studies computer
science. He sent her a letter saying:
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER Believe me it is true...
You installed the best in me. Your picture is always in my background. You
clicked my heart gently. You drive me crazy when I see you. Your love reset
my life and deleted all the sadness in me. You restored my kindness after I
thought it was corrupted. I'm always connected to you with more than 56
heartbeats per second. You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
You are the only one that could navigate my feelings and explore my emotions
at the same time. I feel lost when I try to call you and you are not
responding.
I always feel you close to me when I shut down my eyes, or when I open my
windows waiting for you to pass. You are the only one that can log into my
heart and never ! log out. I dream of being your only server as long as I
live. You don't have to search for me, cause we are always linked to each
other. I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my homepage and all my
software. I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected by you. You are
the virus I'd never remove, and why should I do? You formatted my life and
added happiness to view. Believe me it is true... I love you more than my
CPU :)
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