- A wife asked her husband; What do you like
most in me: my pretty face, my sexy body or me? He looked at her from head
to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
-
"If you could cook," said
the husband, "we could fire the chef."
"If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver."
- "My
wife says I snore too much, but I've finally figured out the problem. It
only happens on nights when she drinks too much coffee."
- A friend
of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high school alma mater.
Last fall, a member of the Class returned the standard alumni
questionnaire with this response:
Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff
- Two men
drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest
being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas.
When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the
contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win
free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and
try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When
they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest
was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a
number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and
try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man, "You
know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
- A married man was having an affair with
his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for
her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from
the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw
on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he
slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell
asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've
been playing golf!"
-
A woman
accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the
doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is
suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the
following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice
meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems
with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most
importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can
do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
-
A man goes to
a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening,
she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody
who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'"
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last'"
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