- One evening a
husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees
him she asks, "What happened to you?" "I got into a fight with the
apartment manager." "Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman
in the complex except one!" "Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on
the third floor."
- A husband
was going shopping to buy a gift for his wife and asked her sizes. "If
it's clothes, I wear Small," she said. "If it's diamonds, I wear Large."
- A man walks into a store. "I'd like to buy
some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive
salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered.
"Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the
gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied,
"she also needs a bra and panties."
- A husband and wife were comparing notes
one day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's and make more money
than you, the wife pointed out.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still
ahead," husband responded.
She looked mystified. "How do you figured?"
"I married better," he replied.
- A man and
his wife were giving each other the silent treatment. One day, the man
realized that he would need his wife to wake him up early morning for a
business trip. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 4:30 a.m."
The next morning the man arose, only to discover it was 10 a.m. and he'd
missed his trip. Furious he was a bout to go and find his wife when he noticed
a piece of paper on his pillow. It read: "It's 4:30 a.m. Wake up!"
-
A wife was
having an affair with a pest-control inspector. One afternoon her husband
came home early and found the man hiding in the closet.
"Who are you?" the husband demanded.
"An inspector from Kill-Bugs-Dead," came the reply.
"What are you doing in there?"
"Looking for moths."
"And where are your clothes?"
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those tricky little devils!"
-
A married couple
is driving along a highway doing steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is
behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear
voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road
ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover
than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel
more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have
the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete wall. This makes
him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you want?"
The
wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need."
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."
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