- New arrivals at the Pearly Gates are comparing stories on how they
died.
First woman: "I froze to death."
second woman: "I had a heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him. I found him alone, but I was sure there
was a woman there somewhere. I ran all over the house looking, from the
attic to the basement, in every closet and under every bed. Finally I
keeled over, dead."
First woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer--we'd both still be
alive."
- Three men all die on Christmas Day, and
arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are
all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let
them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with
them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another
guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls
out a pair of panties.
"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.
"These are Carol's."
- God populated the earth with vegetables of all kinds, so that Man would
live a long and healthy life. And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "Want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them!"
And Man gained pounds.
And God created healthful yogurt, and Satan froze the yogurt, and brought forth
chocolate, nuts and brightly colored candy to put on top. And Man gained more
pounds.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV, remote control and potato chips. And
Man clutched his remote and ate his chips. Satan saw this and said, "It is
good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass
surgery. And Satan created HMOs...
-
There was this preacher
who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on
the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a
picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky,
and temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what
to do and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an
assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the
car up, and drove two hours to a golf course where no one would recognize
him.
Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the
preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at
the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded
in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the
ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the
cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He
was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The
Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to
punish him." The Lord smiled and said "Think about it, who can he tell?"
-
Sister Mary Katherine
entered the Monastery of Silence. The priest said, "sister, you are
welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you
to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 2 years before
the priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 2
years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 2 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister May Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the priest assured her that
the food would be better in the future.
Another 2 years passed, the priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into
his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the priest, "You've done nothing buy bitch
since you got here."
-
A bus
carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and
because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant
them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined
up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be
gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The
second one in the line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten
people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing himself
to death. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his
wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly
again"!!
-
After spending time with Eve, Adam
was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the
woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam
began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so
soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell
so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
-
Three men die in a car
accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly
gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so
he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these
represent Christmas?"
Answer... "They're Carol's."
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