- I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.
- Clutter
Hints for Ladies: Throw away anything you haven't worn in 18 months.
For men: 18 years
- I used to watch golf on TV during the
weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise...so now I watch
tennis.
- The other
day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and
bigger the closer they get...then it hit me.
-
An elderly man is
talking with his doctor about his sex life and the doctor asks, "How often do
you have sex?"
The man says, "Almost every night."
"Almost every night, that's really something. How do you hold up at your age?"
The patient says, "Well, let me put it this way. Last night, I almost had sex,
the night before, I almost had sex, the night before, I almost had sex..."
-
A cabby picks up a nun. She
gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him
why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want
to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and
says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the
next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister,
but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun
says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
-
The woman needed
encouragement to keep pedaling the exercise bike in her gym. So her friend, the
guy manager, said, "Close your eyes and imagine you're riding along Broadway in
New York City. It will be more interesting."
Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped.
"What's wrong?" asked her friend.
"The traffic light's red," she replied.
-
A man goes on a two month business trip
to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he
calls his brother.
"So how is my cat doing?"
"He's Dead!" the brother responded.
"He's Dead! What do you mean 'He's Dead!?' I loved that cat. Couldn't you think
of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news
easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something.
Then when I called before I left you could have told me, 'Well, we found her but
she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.' Then when I
call you from the airport you could have told me, 'The Fire Department was there
and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.'
"I'm sorry... you're right... that was insensitive I won't let it happen again."
"Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?"
"She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down."
-
Did you hear about the snail who was
beaten up by a turtle? His friends were looking for revenge, so they
wanted to know: "Did you get a good look at the turtle who did this?"
"No," the snail responded. "It all happened so fast."
-
Donald Rumsfeld gave
the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three
Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
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