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If Dear Abby Were Dear Albert
Q: My fiancée still has feelings for his
old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase
with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women,
your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't
mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man
is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being
pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get
back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional
and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do
is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue,
this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins
involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your
relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great-tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you keep your figure, and gives a great
glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to
perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank
him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it, do it in your own time. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a
nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time
to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest.
In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and
the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he
cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he
loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and
cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
love your man as much as you should -- he has to work too hard to get you
in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again and
show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present...and don't
forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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